“The voices returned stronger than ever. They reinforced my doubts, whispering that everyone, including my mother, hated me. They harassed me, trying to provoke me into doing something irrational. First, they told me to run. And when I resisted, they urged me to grab a plank and hit her…”
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I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started hearing voices in my head. At first, I considered it to be another version of myself because it always spoke to me in first-person pronouns, unlike the Holy Spirit. These voices didn’t control my body, but they consciously influenced my thoughts, telling me what to say and basic things to do. More than that, they manipulated my mind by constantly introducing their suggestions. Most times, they succeeded in making me carry out their will. I began to realise how serious the situation was when I would pray and then second-guess my own words, questioning my prayers and even doubting God’s ability to answer them.
In S.S.1, I read a book about an Occult Grandmaster who gave his life to Christ. The book greatly influenced my spiritual sensitivity. From this book, I learned how to guard my body against demonic influences and understood that sexual immorality was a primary doorway for such attacks.
Then in S.S.2, I started to understand that these voices weren’t mine, though I still wasn’t fully convinced. They would fill my thoughts with dirty, impure things, but I was able to snap out of them. And this happened so often.
However, the enemy was more cunning than I realised. At this point, I had already begun experiencing forgetfulness. Many times, my parents would send me on errands, but I would forget and start doing something else, lost in my thoughts. This affected my relationship with my dad significantly. He often blamed me for things going wrong, whether I was at fault or not. Over time, I began to feel rejected and worthless.
I wrestled with the idea that my forgetfulness wasn’t my fault, and believed it was just how I was. These voices reinforced my doubts, whispering that everyone, including my mother, hated me. I even started questioning why my family was supporting my education, suspecting that they were only doing so with selfish motives. This only deepened my bitterness, increased my pain, and pushed me into depression.
I reached a point where I felt like I was losing my sanity. That’s when I actively sought the Lord. I remember two instances when I prayed to Him about my struggles, but I felt like I wasn’t getting anything in return. It hurt deeply. I began to doubt His love for me.
At one point, all I wanted was for God to simply acknowledge my existence. By this time, the major way He spoke to me was through dreams. But the two times I prayed before sleeping, expecting to receive something, I woke up with nothing. This brought me to tears, deepening my offence and resentment toward my life. I became angry at God and concluded that He didn’t even care about me.
However, one day, I remembered Job’s story. I thought to myself, “I didn’t commit any big sin to deserve this, so maybe, just maybe, God is testing me.”
That day, I made a statement, one that I am both proud and ashamed of even now. I said, “God, even if You decide to hate me, I will still love You. Because what if I insult You now, only to later find out that this was all a test?”
So, I endured.
My Deliverance
I was fortunate to have a God’s Lighthouse member as my roommate. He shared the living Word with me, and it excited me. I longed to attend his church and gain the same scriptural depth he had.
On October 29th 2024, I attended my first Sunday meeting. I enjoyed it, though certain moments tested my patience and faith, especially since I had come on an empty stomach. When the meeting ended, instead of feeling sad, I was filled with overwhelming joy. My heart burned with a new fire to do God’s will and please Him.
Some delays that occurred that day caused disappointment to cloud my heart, and voices echoed that nobody cared or loved me, triggering deeper struggles. Still, I focused on the words that I received when the Prophetic Intercessory Team prayed for me. Then came the realisation that God knew I existed, and He was aware of everything I was going through. That brought peace and light to my heart.
The next Sunday, I received an apology concerning the delays that had happened in the previous meeting. The humility touched me and reassured me that love is real, and I truly felt welcomed and accepted in this house.
Breaking Free
On the 12th of November 2024, during a GAM Fellowship meeting, Sister Edikan Emeh shared about God’s love and His impartiality. But at the time, I struggled to believe her words. My life felt like it contradicted everything she was saying, and I resented her message.
This inner conflict gave way to another attack, and the voices returned stronger than ever. They harassed me, trying to provoke me into doing something irrational. First, they told me to run. And when I resisted, they urged me to grab a plank and hit her, then flee. But I remained calm.
Then, they told me to ask her, How does one know if God loves them? But by now, I had realised that these thoughts weren’t truly mine, because of how outrageous it was. Despite their torment, I resisted. The weight of this battle was overwhelming, yet I endured until the meeting came to an end.
I was burning with anger and almost stood up in the meeting to lay out what was going on with me, but I felt it was weird. However, when the meeting ended, I immediately approached Brother Edikan Obott, whom I recognised to be one of the meeting leaders, and told him that I had been hearing demonic voices in my head.
He prayed for me, asked a few questions, and then sent me some godly content for guidance. This encounter opened my eyes further. I saw the reality of spiritual warfare. It was the beginning of my journey into the light. Since then, I have not been harassed by demonic voices or oppressive thoughts telling me that no one loves me, or telling me how useless and worthless I am.
Through all the healing and growth I have experienced in this house, I now see myself as a work in progress, a vessel being moulded by God, according to His desires. For this, and other blessings, may the name of the Lord be highly exalted.
Amen.
— Bro C.O
25th May 2025
© God’s Lighthouse 2025
