“Sorrow became my friend, but I still didn’t talk. My prayer life began to suffer. My Bible studies also stopped. By now, I didn’t like the sound of Pastor’s voice anymore. I was dying slowly…”
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We enjoy many privileges in our lives as Christians when we follow God’s ways. God’s ways are not always very pleasant, so we often shy away from them. However, we must understand that He means us no harm at all.
This is me sharing some of the benefits I had lost in my life, which I am now beginning to enjoy because I am obeying a principle I once found very unpleasant and uncomfortable at some point in my walk with God—the principle of talking to your shepherd (who, in my case, was my Pastor).
I grew up in a home where we all found ways to sort out our individual problems. Talking to people was not really our method. We would come up with schemes to solve each issue, and if you couldn’t scheme, then you’d have the problem staring you in the face always.
All this changed when I met Pastor Ita. I could tell him anything about myself and not feel condemned, judged, ashamed, or unloved. I really trusted that as long as I spoke with him, I would be fine. Truth be told, I was always fine every time I spoke with him, and I usually went away wiser.
The leaders would recall that if I had a grudge with anyone, I would simply say it during one of our leaders’ meetings. If I also disagreed with what Pastor was saying during those meetings, I would object. If I felt wrongly treated, I would react there and then. I caused trouble expressly, fought with everyone, and moved on afterwards. I didn’t hide the fact that I was offended; I wore it on my face or showed it in my attitude until Pastor dealt with it or with the people concerned.
Now let me talk about my feelings of offence…
With time, a lot of factors contributed to my habit of no longer expressing myself when I was offended. Most times, I would defend the person’s actions in my head, saying things like, “You know he/she is doing so because they love you, so don’t be offended.” But this, I realised later, didn’t take away the pain in my heart. It just suppressed it and saved it for another time. As time passed, I had excused a lot of people without truly forgiving them, until I began to move away from them and mistrust them — including my pastor, unfortunately. As time went on, the grudges in my heart increased, and I wasn’t talking to Pastor about anything, even when I had issues. I didn’t trust him anymore.
How it All Began
After the Jos Conference in 2019, which some of the members of God’s Lighthouse, including myself, were fortunate to attend, I wanted so much to go home to Ikot Ekpene instead of returning to Uyo where I was schooling. I was tired and wondered why we had to have church that Sunday we returned. Mrs Ita told Pastor about my intention, and he rebuked me, saying that whatever I did, I should make sure I attend the church meeting that day. He referred to an instance in the past when I had gone home (and missed a church meeting) because I thought my dad would be around, and he ended up not coming. He said, “Don’t do any foolish thing like that this time.”
I was so offended. “Why would going home be a foolish thing? I just came back from law school. Should I not go home? Sis N. was going home, and hers wasn’t foolish. Well, maybe because she has a more coordinated family, and mine was not?“
Many thoughts crossed my mind like insects flying around. I could have ended it all by simply talking to Pastor. He was there and would have listened to my understanding of what he said. But I didn’t. By this time, I had grown up and learned not to wear my emotions on my face anymore. I told myself I would never talk to Pastor about my family issues again.
But later, I thought to myself, “This is not true. Pastor is the one who taught me how to honour my parents, love them, and not extort them by doubling my school fees. Therefore, he could not have intended to disrespect my parents or my family.” Though I made the right excuse for Pastor, I didn’t heal. From then till I repented, I never spoke to him about my family issues except when he pressed for it.
Consequences of My Silence
I bore all the burdens alone. I was overwhelmed by my mum’s sickness when she fell ill, my dad’s business conflicts, my sister’s accident, and many other issues. I didn’t ask for prayers from Pastor or the leaders. Some of the problems were emotional, like my dad treating my mum badly. I would be so pained and sad often. But if anyone asked how I was doing, my usual response was, “I’m fine.” Sorrow became my friend, but I still didn’t talk about anything except when sharing a testimony. Pastor noticed my silence and sent people to me. “Why doesn’t Margaret talk to me?” he asked. “Who does she talk to?”
“Send in a report”—that was his way of getting me to talk. But I didn’t share anything personal, only ministry-related matters, when I eventually did so. Sis Peace, one of the leaders in church, would prod me every time, even typing and editing the report just to help me talk. The reports were too scanty. I’d write a little, stop, send it, then start again.
I Was Dying Slowly
For a full month, I had anger attacks. I didn’t like Pastor. I would recall all the ways I thought he had treated me badly and cry over them. I felt wronged, hurt, and unloved. I was offended. I didn’t trust him anymore. I felt he was against me, and nothing I did would ever be good enough. So I did nothing unless personally asked, and said nothing unless it was necessary. I closed my heart to my shepherd, Pastor.
My prayer life began to suffer as I didn’t pray much anymore. I would still wake up and pray, but not with the same fervency or compassion as I used to in the past. My Bible studies also stopped. By now, I didn’t like the sound of Pastor’s voice anymore, but I had to force myself to listen to his messages as it was the only thing I could do during this season. I was dying slowly.
My Repentance and the Benefits
Eventually, Pastor called and spoke with me for a very long time. All I needed to do was open up. I didn’t even realise what was wrong until after that conversation, and during a personal retreat I went for. I began to cry a lot and had sleepless nights. For three days straight, I didn’t sleep. That’s unlike me. I usually sleep as soon as my head touches anything comfortable. But now I’d wake up crying in prayer, speaking in tongues, not even knowing why.
On the first day of the retreat, I opened up a little to God, and the more He revealed my heart, the more I continued to open up. Even though I was still in the process, I began to receive healing in my heart and even physically. Peace and sleep returned. By the time I was done with my retreat, I didn’t feel alone anymore. I began to see how much Pastor had given up just so I could stand again.
One day, my dad called and said horrible things about my mum. When he finished, I felt a wound open in my heart. I cried for almost an hour and prayed that God would wipe it all from my memory. Later, I told Pastor about it and mentioned the wound in my heart. He said he prayed for me.
I also developed more love in my heart towards people who wronged me, and was able to tell them in the nicest way possible how they offended me. I forgive those I can immediately, and for others, I pray for help. Presently, I can talk to Pastor again like I used to. God is still helping me to get better, but I no longer feel or think that I have no place to rest my head.
Looking back now, I realise that silence was not protecting me; it was slowly destroying me. God used this season to teach me that healing often begins when we humble ourselves enough to open our hearts, seek help, and trust the people He has placed over us. I am still growing, but I now understand that there is safety, healing, wisdom, and strength in honest communication, and that many burdens become lighter when we stop carrying them alone.
— Sis M.O
28th June 2020
© God’s Lighthouse 2026
