This is the story of how God picked me up from the miry clay and set my feet upon the rock. He brought me out of gross darkness into His glorious kingdom of light and I am greatly honored. There are a lot of things that God cleaned up and changed in my life and I will talk about them.
I read lots of filthy things…
From a tender age of maybe seven, I started masturbating even though I had no clue what I was doing. Then, I stumbled on pornography in a newspaper and that was how my bondage to pornography started. I started watching pornographic videos on my phone and on any other person’s phone I found them in. I also loved reading novels a lot. I was known as a novel freak and I read lots of Super romance and Harlequin novels. I even read ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey'( a novel popularly known for its explicit erotic contents). I read lots of filthy and dirty stories and I became addicted to them. I couldn’t read any other kind of book and the addiction got worse when I discovered Wattpad. As a result of all the filthy things I read, I struggled with lust a lot. I masturbated on a daily basis and I didn’t even need to be alone. Even if I was in a room full of people, I could still do it skillfully without being caught. It became my lifestyle and I used to feel so guilty and depressed all the time because I felt like a hypocrite. I would be a good girl outside but inside my room I was someone else. I felt very dirty within. I browsed about it on the internet and saw other people who were masturbating regularly and encouraging the act so I took it as part of my life. I also had a boyfriend and we engaged in lots of sinful acts though we never actually slept with each other for fear of pregnancy. Apart from that,we did every other thing.
Depression and mood swings
Due to the many dirty things I did, I usually felt dirty and worthless so much so that I was constantly depressed”. I felt unloved most times and I always begged God to send me someone to love me. I heard voices in my head telling me that my parents didn’t love me, which is actually a lie because they love me much more than I can handle.
Coupled with the depression were mood swings. I was known for being a “mood swinger”. You couldn’t know me for two weeks and not meet my mood swings. It was so bad that people deliberately avoided me because they said they didn’t know when I was happy or sad. I used to really take pride in the mood swings because it made me unpredictable and I felt it was normal until my Pastor mentioned one day that it was demonic.
Fear was a major affliction. I was afraid of so many things; my future, death, marriage, hell. Many things in life scared me. I was so bound by fear that I dreamt of snakes and millipedes most nights. I would be scared of sleeping every night because I didn’t want to see so many snakes,they were just too numerous for just one person to see. I also used to see a lot of naked women sleeping together in my dreams and was scared I would become a lesbian or that I had a marine spirit. I told no one these things anyway.
Bitterness and unforgiveness
I was an unforgiving person. I could hold a grudge by default for weeks. I found it hard to forgive people who wronged me. I was also very bitter against my father because I felt he was not making my mother happy enough and was the reason their marriage wasn’t working. I was so bitter that I prayed for him to die and even stopped reminding him to take his medications because I wanted the death to happen quickly. Sometimes, I would purposely not give him food because I wanted him to starve.
I indulged in so many other sins. I really wanted to change but it just wasn’t happening. I felt so void inside of me and I needed that vacuum to be filled so much. I prayed and cried all the time that God should come fill me. Even though people thought me to be a church girl, I knew perfectly well that I was a mess. I went to almost all the popular churches in Uyo each Sunday just to find God but I never came back fufilled – I was desperate.
My Salvation Came…
Finally, God found me! In July 2017, after my 200 level second semester examinations, I went to visit a friend in her room and she told me she was going to a church programme her roommate had invited her for. I decided to follow her just to quench the guilt I was feeling for not attending church regularly during my exam period. I didn’t even know the name of the place I was following her to but I just did. When I arrived, I saw Pastor teaching and also noticed the small congregation, I loved it because I really hated big congregations where no one knew you. From that first day I was captivated by what I heard. Slowly, my vacuum was getting filled. I had gotten born again so many times, maybe ten or more times since I was young but it made no difference. Finally, God gave a new meaning to my salvation and gradually He started cleaning me up.
I got baptised in the Holy Spirit even before I was baptised in water. It was the most amazing experience for me because I had always longed for the Holy Spirit. I felt so clean and pure after my water baptism(this does not mean that our purity or cleanliness is a function of how we feel because the just shall live by faith). I got really hungry for God and I kept going for church meetings. I obeyed the simple things we were taught. We were taught how to study our Bibles personally, I went home and obeyed. It was mind blowing when the Bible started to make meaning to me! It became interesting to read a book I never used to read except when I was bored and needed to sleep.
Though I stumbled so many times, like when I would kiss my boyfriend, I would still come for church meeting that same evening and cry to God to help me. Our pastor told us that no matter how many times we stumble, we should never stop coming for church meetings and that was one of the major things that helped me. Then, my prayer life picked up. I learnt to pray the right way and to talk to God like a Father not a dictator. As I kept dwelling in His presence and reading His word as well as obeying the practical steps our pastor would teach us in church, God started cleaning up the mess in my life; the masturbation,addiction to pornography and lust issues dissapeared. I couldn’t bring myselLf to read a romantic novel anymore,it just wouldn’t happen. Instead of the filthy novels, I was able to read inspirational and christian books. My love for novels was channeled in the right way that gave God glory. I went off Wattpad and I can’t even remember the last time I read an erotic novel. I can’t believe I could actually stay away, because I was an addict.
God dealt with my depression issues. The voices in my head are gone. I don’t hate myself because of guilt anymore, my mood swings are gone .Ond day after I heard that mood swings are demonic, I had an episode and I immediately said a prayer. Immediately, the feeling lifted, it felt like magic! That was when I believed that it was truly demonic. When I look at myself today, I am amazed because I never used to feel this light and happy inside. People saw me as a happy person outside but inside me was heavy and dark. I just used to camouflage with a jovial exterior but now I don’t feel that way inside . I actually feel clean and happy and when I smile or laugh, it is from within.
God also delivered me from fear. He transformed my dream world and instead of seeing so many snakes and millepedes, I would dream beautiful dreams where I would even be speaking in tongues and evangelizing to people. Now He uses my dreams to talk to me and tell me things about my life and future that even come to pass. So instead of dreading sleep, I anticipate my next dream.
I have also been able to learn forgiveness from Christ. These days,it is more or less my default state just like unforgiveness used to be. I am no more bitter and angry at my dad. I love him for who he is and who he can’t be and I pray for him. I am no more bitter.
The God Walk..
God has been awesome to me,my walk with Him has been amazing. I get to have conversations with the Holy Spirit; He talks to me all the time. I enjoy reading my Bible and spending time with God. I get to tell people about Jesus ,something I had always wished I could do. My life makes much meaning now. I leave my future in His hands and He plans it for me. I am no more afraid of what my life will be like. Even times when I feel so discouraged and tired because of many stumblings, the Holy Spirit encourages me and keeps me going. He taught me to always hold on with my feeble hands and tired legs. Meeting Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to me. Accept Him and He will turn your life around. You can never meet the Lord and remain the same!