I Should Have Died!

May 2021

I was born a twin, but my elder sister died. I did not know this until I was in primary school. For the most part of my life, I had berated myself; I thought I was not worth anything and should have been the one to die. These kinds of thoughts led me to believe that I was created to wreak havoc and destroy. I hated myself for being alive and felt my twin sister would have been the perfect daughter for my parents if she was alive. Because of this, I stopped caring about life and became suicidal.

When I was in JS2 my mum became pregnant. I hoped she would give birth to a boy; we were all females then. As such, I started praying for a brother. I did not like that my father’s attention was focused on me because I loved school and reading books. I thought the main reason he loved me was that he was trying to get the son he did not have in me. Already, I believed nothing good could come out of me, and therefore did not welcome the attention. I wanted to pursue my ‘purpose’ which I thought was destruction and did not want any interference. I believed that a son born by my mum for my father would take the pressure and attention off of me. Eventually, my mother gave birth to a female child and everyone except me was happy. I was angry with God and became rebellious at home. I hated that particular sister of mine. She must have sensed it even as a baby because she equally disliked me up till the year 2020.

For the major part of my life, quarrelling with my younger sister was the norm. During the 2020 COVID lockdown, we were in the same space for a long time, and I had to learn to love her. As I made efforts to love her, that was when I increasingly became grateful. I was thankful that I had a sister and not a brother; I am not sure I would have been able to handle the troubles that boys come with.

THE FINGER OF GOD

When I came to God’s Lighthouse in 2019, although the love for God was rekindled in my heart, I still hated myself. I hated the fact that I was created. I questioned my sister’s death instead of me; it was so bad that sometimes I would want to stay away from Church meetings simply for that reason.

I heard a lot about being a light bearer, but this did not dissuade me from my destructive thinking pattern. Even in my dreams, I saw myself fighting and destroying things. My only conclusion yet again was that I would amount to nothing good. I told God I would win souls for Him as long as He would allow me to pursue my destructive goal and dream.

During the Passover Retreat in April 2021, I was delivered from a lot of demonic bondages and I felt so light in my soul. However, there was a particular demon that was still hanging around which I did not let go of. It had become part of me; like a twin sister. It was normal for me to exhibit different personalities. When pastor was describing this demon, I found myself becoming very angry at him and the leaders. I knew the emotion I was feeling was not ordinary, and that made me also angry at myself for being helpless. I could not let that spirit go because I thought it was a secret I had to die with. Even though I was told to talk to someone after the retreat, it took about a month before I finally obeyed. In that season, God showed me that many of my actions and inactions were controlled by that demonic spirit and not me. But after I opened up, I discovered my mind began to receive healing.

One day, the destructive thoughts came again, “You were created for destruction.”

But something was different. I noticed that it was not the voice I was used to hearing. This one was gentle. The voice continued, “You are a weapon of destruction just like the whole of God’s Lighthouse. You are a weapon of destruction to THE ENEMY’S CAMP.”

These words consoled me. Yes, I am a weapon of destruction, but not for the enemy. Rather, I’m a weapon to partake in his destruction. Now, I am happy; life is worth living, and I am not worthless. Thank God.

 

Sis. M. M.

May 2021

©God’s Lighthouse 2022

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