I want to thank God for a change of mindset. This occurred primarily during the Mending Marital Meandering (M3) meeting and other times, such as during the Ladies Lounge and Laugh (L3) meetings.
When I first came to God’s Lighthouse, I was excited at how well Pastor taught and how the things he said were not the common things taught in the body of Christ.
One evening, during one of the meetings, Pastor began to talk about marriage. I couldn’t believe my ears; how did we get here? I wondered. Before then, I was beginning to get used to Pastor touching on different topics during the meeting, and was always impressed when he tied it up in the end. When he spoke about marriage in that meeting, I zoned out. I was so uninterested in any topic related to marriage.
This also happened before I came physically to God’s Lighthouse too. I was already listening to Pastor Ita by tuning in, and had some older messages Brother Michael would share with me at that time. One of those days, I was listening to a message, and midway into it, I realised it was the Sisters’ meeting (L3). Pastor was teaching on different things, and I wasn’t so interested in them because being a female was not one of my favourite subjects then.
Deliverance from Transgender Plans
Like I stated earlier, I wasn’t so proud of being a female. From a young age, I began to walk and act like a boy. I thought being a boy was better than being a girl because boys were stronger than girls. I was always sick during that period, and thought that I wouldn’t have been so sickly if I were a boy. This made me despise females and anything associated with them.
Fortunately for me, or so I thought then, my dad had plans of sending us outside the country for our tertiary education, and that would’ve been my escape. I would’ve gone as a girl and returned as a boy – if I was ever going to return.
One day, Pastor announced a meeting for the females. The meeting was slated for 6 p.m. or 7:30 p.m. I can’t really remember, but it was quite late in the evening. In that meeting, Pastor shared from Genesis 6 and started speaking about females – the power inherent in us and many other things. This was when the mind shift began. I began to appreciate the fact that I was a female, but I still had my ‘But Lord, what about this?’ questions. I wanted to be a strong person, not a feminist – just physically strong.
God began to answer my questions in random meetings when Pastor would refer to our mothers – how strong they were and still are, and how they rarely fall ill. He even referenced Biblical characters like Rebecca and Rachel, shepherds who looked after their father’s flock.
He also explained that we can’t be as physically strong as the guys and gave different examples.
Because I had come to trust that the things Pastor teaches are true and can be searched out in the scriptures, I began to accept the idea of remaining a female, with no secret plan to do some surgery to become a guy, even if I traveled out of the country.
Accepting the Idea of Marriage
During one of those playful moments at home, my mum spoke about what she’d do on my wedding day, and I looked at her in awe. I asked her where she heard that I was going to get married in this life. I told her she had 2 other daughters and that she could bank on them. My mum is not exactly the average African parent, so she held onto the thought that her first girl was not going to be married. She’d say I’m not a normal human, and I agreed.
When I heard Pastor teaching about marriage in meetings, it felt like the meeting was no longer a spiritual meeting. I couldn’t wait for him to go on to the next point, and I paid no attention for as long as he taught. After a while, I told myself I was going to only pay attention to the teachings because I look forward to being a teacher someday, and I’ll need to know what to teach when it comes to marriage.
So for everything he taught, I’d always say, ‘This doesn’t apply to me at all.’ I didn’t know what I was doing until one day (like he had done in the past), Pastor explained marriage and related it to Christ and the church. I couldn’t believe my ears. God really saw marriage differently, and I rejected the thought of marriage because I didn’t see it the way God saw it.
My eyes were opened and I repented. It was when I accepted that marriage wasn’t some unspiritual thing that the Holy Spirit began to show me why I hated the marriage topic:
— Fear of Having Someone in My Space Permanently:
Before I came to God’s Lighthouse, I had a special hatred and fear for humans, and I don’t know where that came from. I was uninterested in being close to anyone and only valued my relationship with my nuclear family. When I came here, one thing I noticed was that the females liked and still like to hug. It was like a death sentence to me. I did everything within my power to run after each meeting so that I wouldn’t associate with anyone or even get one of those tight hugs that can almost rumple your skin.
When I began to relate with people, the best way I could, my joy lay in the fact that I still maintained my space – no one could permanently intrude. It didn’t matter if I had to be with people for hours, I looked forward to going back home to my space. Now, this space was in no way physical on many occasions, but I’m sure we understand what I mean.
During one of the L3 meetings, Pastor spoke about spaces and how we must be willing to accommodate people now because it will be needed for marriage. I was dead afraid – like I could feel my heart skip a beat. I felt Pastor was demanding too much. I mean, I had just begun to get a hang of this marriage thing, and he was trying to take my space away from me.
In another L3 meeting, Pastor was praying and rebuking fears, and the Holy Spirit impressed in my heart to rebuke the fear of sharing a space with someone permanently. I prayed, and to my surprise, I felt something lift.
Again, after that meeting, I wasn’t afraid anymore. More than accepting to share my space with someone, I left there with a heart to just obey anything the Lord wants – it didn’t matter to me if my space had to go.
— Fear of Losing a Loved One:
I lost my dad at a young age. Beyond losing my dad, my mum lost her husband. My parents were very close, and I admired the bond between them. After my dad’s demise, I watched my mum change from that very jolly person to someone who only laughed with half her heart. I didn’t like the sight of that at all. I wondered to myself, ‘What’s the essence of being married when he’ll die and leave you halfway into the union?’
I began to envisage how I’ll be married and how the man would die, and I’ll be a widow. I ended up deciding that I’d rather be alone. Because of the fear of creating a bond with a spouse and losing him, I had unknowingly created a fence to protect me from such heartbreak. During the M3 meeting, Pastor prayed and rebuked fear, and all I could feel was the emptiness that came with losing my dad.
The Holy Spirit reminded me of something I read in The Marriage Guide (TMG) devotional — that my happiness is to be rooted in the Lord and not a spouse. I thought my heart knew this already because this was something Pastor had emphasized countless times.
After the prayers that day, that fear was gone. I even got rebuked by the Holy Spirit for holding on to something that hadn’t happened, and may never happen.
— Fear of Giving up My Career Goals
Being a bookworm, my one goal in life was to go to school and get every certificate there was to acquire. When I laid down my academic idol, I still wanted to have a successful career. One of those L3 meetings and in some other church meetings, Pastor spoke about not having to do certain jobs as a wife and mother, so you can have time for your family. I looked in awe, as if to prove that I didn’t hear him properly, Pastor said it again. I couldn’t believe what I heard. Working a job or sitting in front of a laptop all day gives me a certain kind of joy I can’t explain. Because of this, I said in my mind, “Then let’s not marry na. This marriage thing is just too much.”
I’d joke in my mind sometimes that it was easier to prepare to be an overcomer than to prepare for marriage on this earth. I thought to myself that I was giving up my surname, I’ll have to carry a child, I’ll have to do chores always, and now, I have to give up my career too? As usual, the Lord will leave you to wallow in your stupidity and then come to you when your time of deliverance comes.
When the time came, I was led to Titus 2 and 1 Peter 3. The Holy Spirit reminded me of the many times I told the Lord I want to be pleasing in His sight. Seeing from the scriptures how to be pleasing in God’s sight – as a woman – and hearing it explained thoroughly during meetings, the one big question the Holy Spirit left me with was: “How do you want to combine holding strongly to your career and being pleasing to God if He tells you to give it up and you don’t?” Again, the Lord was pointing out to me that I was fighting over very irrelevant things, especially things that hadn’t happened yet.
— Fear of Submitting to My Spouse
I thought I was quite obedient and submissive to the authorities over me. But I could not understand why I never wanted to submit to a man in marriage. I knew this was a problem when Pastor shared about forgiving your spouse when he did something terrible, like being unfaithful. I scoffed. And then I said in my mind that I was going to end him and end myself, while crying. Almost immediately, my alarms went up – where did that come from? The Edima who can’t hurt a fly? I knew I had allowed my strong opinion of not submitting to my spouse to open doors for other devilish thoughts.
During the prayer session in the M3 meeting, I began repenting and renouncing the things I had said in the past. Of course, the Lord had started working in me already and leading me to repent, especially after reading some strange things from the TMG devotional. I couldn’t believe that things were lifting off me as I read the devotionals and sat under Pastor’s teachings. I have felt really light, and I no longer have those struggles I used to have in my mind! For this, I’m very thankful to God. I do not know what kind of woman or wife I would have become if not for His mercies and the various deliverances and shifts in mindset that I have experienced.
May God’s name be praised. Amen
15th October, 2023
Sis E.S
Ⓒ God’s Lighthouse 2025
